Learning to grow

Knowing his past is my present now. It will never be out of my mind until I really learn to forgive and forget about it. It will not be easy, the long, winding, narrow and cross roads I still need to learn more about him and myself.
We took a long time apart, it was killing us silently and everything starts slipping away slowly but it is time we both start to compromise and be more patient. With all that is going on, internship in Penang, I am giving this relationship a 3 month trial to see how things goes.

I don't like the way I talk to you at times, I hate that part of me. I learned to speak to you more like a child cause your sensitive at times. You need constant attention and care when we are alone, you like that, I did not know that. But I love constant care and love even if people are around, I am not shy in loving you even if people might look.

Sometimes love hurts but it is the pain that makes us live again.
There always be room for love to grow.
Constantly letting love to grow.
If love stop growing, slowly, it will die.

The Limit.

Kettle is boiling, still boiling. . . . I hear it whistle at the peak of the sound.

Then, in a flash it blew up.... All over! The splash left marks and scars around me.
It will take me days, weeks or even months to heal.
It will be some time.
It will be tough.
It ain't easy.
Especially going through it alone.


My love is not to be played.
My heart is not just an icon.
My state of mind is not to be bruised.
My trustworthy has been tainted. I don't forgive easily.

Something must be done.
Something must be fair.
Somehow I am not like you.
Somehow I am smarter.a
Somehow I am loyal.

In every way that I am proud of myself, cause I handle things far more better than the person I knew you once were.

Over it? Not quite there yet.

Apart of me still feels very sorry for you that I still can't get over this and the other part just feels like you should feel sorry for me.

My first time, oh god it's my first time feeling like this. I never held such a fear, a pain and a betrayal so badly that it actually numbed my whole body and my mental state of mind. Everyday I wake up is a battle to keep things right, not thinking about it is a challenge. It goes over and over and over again in my head, recalling all the best and bad times when I thought you were nothing like them. I always had my doubts but I will always make this thoughts go away and try to think positive. The thought that had made us come so far, made us where we are today.
The answers were convincing but not convincing to the point where I can rest my mind out of it. Maybe that is not the answer I have been looking for cause there are still bumps and lumps of questions here and there. What really did happen?
I know, I am not a very forgiving person. I do not trust people easily and yet hard to forgive when the trust is broken.
I have never held my heart so high for anyone else, not even for myself. I gave all mine to the one I love. I am trying to forgive and forget about whatever that has happen, but is it that easy to forget? I remember everything that had gone wrong since I was 5 years old, how can I ever forget something that just happened so sudden like a slap in the face to me?
It is not easy, but I am trying.

Be patience with my questions,
be patience with my doubts,
be patience with my weak heart.

I have been hurt long before you knew me, It was like a stab in the chest when every night the tears of pain rolled down my cheeks. It was never a pretty sight, it was something that I have to live with. So will you be patience with me?
I hate this lonely nights whenever all this thoughts comes to me and I have no one to hold on. No one to even confide in my aching heart. I reached out to people that cared most of me, I reached out to find an answer but the answer had been answered that I will have to tough this one out.
Dig a hole and bury what is left, a past.





Be here, be there, be every where you wish to be. Take my heart with you.

Something I would love to try doing, but I have a fear of diving into another world.

My 20th

The day started without any plans or even to make any plans to celebrate my birthday. Everything happen so randomly and the happiest moment when he told me his on his way to see me. Contend, how can I not be.

I love korean food. So do they.
Happy korean birthday celebration without any cake, I don't mind, I'm too shy to stand infront of my birthday cake while a mass of humans sings happy birthday song to me. For 3 years straight, there was always someone celebrating her birthday along with me. Except for last year, I celebrated my birthday in Langkawi with close buddies but with him away.
So this birthday is the best by far, just close friends, food and love. What I actually wished for the day before whilst in my cubicle.

His first time meeting my college mates and cha cha's indon friends. He likes them. :D

I like how candid this picture is.

Thanks boo for coming down to see me just for one day.
I appreciate all the things and gifts you did and got for me. Every little thing counts for me, no matter how big or small, it's the thought that counts.
I will remember this birthday till the day I'm 6'ft under. :)

The big 2 O coming up!

My days in college has been fun, crazy, noisy, tiring, unhappy, sad, angry and of course Happy.
I am a few days away from my birthday!! The BIG 2 and O together, I am not sad and well it does not effect me either but I want to do something before my birthday. Now I am not talking about doing the " 20 things to do before turning 20", I just want to do something fun and socialize. And that longing came true today.
A few friends of mine came into our class and ask me " Oh Kristi, you drink beer right?" with a smirk on his face, my face GLOW and said "yeaaaa...:)".
I never had a big outing with college mates ever since I've been in college. Yea how lame right? I know...
Oh I heard there will be Hoegarden.. like the MEGA HUGE size pint glass.. awesome!
I know I sound like a pathetic bimbo deprived of alcohol or something, but no no and yes.. I had one too little glass of alcohols with friends back in Penang it was not enough and neither was it that good, so I need some fun and beer in my life to keep me sane.

Most of you may know I have been in a long-distance-relationship and I always get this question from friends, " How do you take it?" or "How do you both go trough it?".
Partially I am not very sure myself how did I gone through it all and now going through it again is even worst than the last.
The one whom initiate all this argument is I.
It feels like I am being too demanding and well, too controlling.
He feels like he has done his best and is getting blame every single time.
He has done his best and I do appreciate every single thing, but somehow, I need something more.
I like it when he does something when I don't need even need to tell him to, if I did, it will sound like I am being demanding or nagging! ~ That is happening now.

So to tell or not to tell?
Maybe I should not talk, zip my mouth and seal it tight. For all the wrongful accusations and demands I did. I am sorry for not being understanding of your situation.




Sometimes trying hard is TRYING TOO HARD in others eyes. Just don't do it. *rolls eyes*

When planets collides.

Somehow I am still a young, immature, wounded girl who just wants to be held tightly and whispers coming to my ears saying.. "Everything will be okay, don't worry.."
Everything seems to be going the other way round. Not how I wanted it to be, not ever how it should had been. Yes I am matured it seems in others eye, I solely play the role of a mother.

Maybe I had been to light on everything,
maybe I had been taking everything so easy just so arguments go blind under the covers,
maybe I had let things slide pass me for too long,
maybe I had give too much and got back a little,
maybe time has passed and I am a little more needy,
maybe we just change as interdependency is less between one of us,
maybe just maybe, MAYBE! I get to see a sight of you brings those other maybe's down from it all.

A person who receive little love when they were younger, bound to need more love but hides away from love. Solely to not get hurt again.
I never want to get hurt, but it takes some salt onto the wound to realize magnificent and horrible things bound to happen. When it clashes, storm waves occur and when everything is said and done, silence comes into the picture and brings harmony to life.
To deal with such pain is like taking a blunt knife pierced through your chest bluntly yet forcefully right into the heart. The pain I feel, is always there.
It is there for so long, too long that now everything just comes out through all the slightest misfortunes moves into a big unfortunate event.
Neither of us likes this part but it is said to help us to grow, no?

I want to love and feel loved.

Food Friends & Love.

It has only been a week in college??? Felt like eternity with tight schedule, hectic and packed classes that leads till late evenings. Just loving being a college-rebellious student ey?

I love practical classes.

With Cha cha..~

Loving my presentation, took me so many tries till I got the right one. :)
Cream puff with chocolate sauce, with almonds on the side and a sugar art that we randomly made, we burned the sugar though. LOL!

Huge? Yea it is!! It felt like everyone can read what you type or read. So reading private message's here in college is a nono..lol.

It has been a long long time chickies, we finally meet again.

Nothing better to do. KFC and stayover..Woot~

Luscious sweet red tomatoes! :P

My pandan coconut for lunch, sad I know. I realize I did not have a single straw at my cubicle when I wanted to drink it. Equally more sad, oh well.

My diet starts now! Been having so much meat, TOO MUCH, I feel like a Carnivore!

A cut cause by my paring knife. No I did not do it on purpose.
I have enough burns, bruises and cuts. Ughh.. and my hormones are getting f*** ed up now, pimples all over my foreheads like world war 3. Kill me, I hate zits!
Anna said my skin looked dry here..:( Look at my cut not my skin..! lol..

A few things I did back in Penang.

I extended my stay back in Penang for an extra week be cause I was too reluctant to leave egghead behind. :( Now I'm back in my cubicle and is back to revising. I'm glad its college and not internship now. But 2nd week of college and we already have our internship briefing for our next internship on Oct 11 till 1 Jan 2011. GREAT huh..just GREAT. On 1st of JANUARY, Hello...!
I miss my college buddies! I have not seen many of them for 3months plus! Pretty nice to be back to college and be lazy..but I have succumb to headaches this few days ever since I came back. I'm not sure what happen but it's just me..

I miss him badly, is it wrong to miss him?
I can say we the time we've been together hardly hits 8 months, so to see him, it's like finding gold. It's precious and to treasure every moment is hard for us. His a workaholic and I'm still studying, time is precious for us and I just wish we have more time together. I know I want him more now then ever.
I don't want to sound desperate but I do need him. He brings out the best in me.

I'm not trying to be wannabe photographer, I just love to take pictures.

At sunset bistro, wish my bestie's were there.

This is Ken from Thailand! One of egghead's college friend in Switzerland. I like him, his so funny and blur! His always smilling :)

Chew Jetty Char Koay Teow. I did gain from all this guilty indulgence.

I don't know what street is this call but I can tell you, not many people seen this street before, It's a place to take picture if some of you are interested in photography. It's somewhere near the Jetty Bomba station.

We ate at one of the Or Chien (fried oyster) and it was so good! It was crispy and delicious...:D

Egghead, doing what he do best. Fry eggs. Lol... Only he knows what I mean.

At Vellu Villas! She practically ate half of my food, but I did not mind cause I could not finish it anyways. Its so spicy and big portion! I love it when my friends love what I (we) eat. Enjoying food together :D

At St.Anne.. Look at me! BLAH BLA....

I really wanted to climb on this bell tower, but I was not allowed. And he would not allow me to. If emkay was here, she be climbing it..LOL!

Shes back! The night before I left back to my cubicle. We had supper at Subaidah along with May and Egghead. Japanese cigarette smells so good.

I want to go back Penang in August!
But my schedule is so tight and we have replacement classes on Saturday due to the Hari Raya Holiday which is coming soon in September. Ughhh!
I need to go back and see my mum before she leaves to UK next month, see my aunty Sue and her family from UK, see Jessica before she leaves, see egghead and his family aunty Pat?
Oh and my birthday is coming up, I'm hitting the BIG TWO ZERO, I should do something memorable?? All I want is a drink and a chat with THEM.

Anna, come back..

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong? I can't seem to understand about this constant cough that I am having. I has been a week or more and I am still not well. I feel more vulnerable this days and mostly I can't seem to finish up my meal!!! And this really annoys me.
A few times I got my meal, feeling so hungry and thinking that I could gulp down every inch of the food on my plate but once I look at the food on my plate, I feel full enough to puke out the food that I have not even swallow. I take a few bites and then I was done with my meal, It's like my eyes just ate up the food!
I feel bad cause I am wasting the food. As I am writing this blog, my Korean noodle is very well staring at me begging me to eat them! Ahhhhhhh!!! I just took a few bites, and appetite just died like that. What a bummer!

Oh and vulnerable meaning I get upset and depress easily nowadays. The arguments that I have with him, I feel very well damn bad. I apologize for my behavior, I really don't know why am I like this, for this couple of days. This sickness is taking a toll of me, and I am hating it!

Please make me well! I don't like being like this, a paranoid bitch!!

Happy Birthday Chagiya~

To my one and only beloved boyfriend, Mr.Egghead..!! ( xoxo)
Today is his birthday, a little older, and a more wiser him.
The picture below was taken last year after our, no no, HIS drinking session, hmmm more like it was for him of course, he was the birthday boy on his 21st of course his cousins will not let him go.* Note the man whom is pulling his pants down, not letting go of him*

This year, I can't be there for his 22nd. But there will be more birthday to come right boo? :)
I am so glad that we got this 11 months through so quickly and smoothly.
Yes there were ups and downs. Through all the tears when you went away, and the arguments we solved briefly in an instant. Never letting arguments be dragged for too long or too many hours even, made us today.
You always seem so comfortable with me and that made me comfortable.
You make me feel comfortable to be my own self and I don't need to try hard to impress you.
You treat a girl with full of respect and made me feel special.
You make me whole again.

I hope there will forever be you and I, cause I ain't letting go my one and only egghead.

I did not want an ordinary picture of his face or his face with my face in it, so this picture seems perfect!! Something to describe what really went down last year.

I know it seems harsh to post an embarrassing picture but well.. its just me.

When she was 19 going on 20.

Guess who? Nope, not me.. Taken on 4th of March 1977.
Found this picture at my uncle house when my aunt brought out some old photo album for me to see. I have to say, she does look like me does she not? She was then, still learning to be a nurse. (She claims that she was eating while someone took a picture of her *don't mind the disturbing bended arm*)
:)

Back to my cubicle.

Yeap, back where I belong, in my cubicle and back to the society of networking. :)
I am glad to be back here ( surprisingly) a few days with my family seems enough already I miss them dearly but I miss my laptop more.. lol..
A 1 night stay end up to a 5 night stay.

My first 2 days outing with my mum was to IKEA and to The Curve since she has not been there before along with my 2 younger cousins. She loves IKEA now.. :)

This is me waiting under the blazing sun for at least 10min or 15min because of this!!!
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e.Yes!!! THIS! Arrived at the condo with such tight security, look at the entrance for humans to pass through. I waited for my grandpa to get me in, and there are at least 7 to 8 blocks of apartments in there so the walk to the main gate is sooooooo FAR.. My first time going there so this was pretty new to me.

My rock star mum waiting to strut IKEA!

Food my love.

Food in IKEA is not great anymore except for the meatballs still good. But the Salmon and roasted chicken seem to have a mixed up sauce. I think the creamy dill sauce should be on the salmon and not the chicken and that sour-ish taste sauce is suppose to be on the chicken. But when I look at my neighbor (stranger), the sauce was the same so maybe the worker is not really thinking straight while working.

And of course, some pear cider after a 2 hour shop in IKEA.

My cousin, Hang hang.

The view from their apartment at dawn is beautiful.

I am loving this red sling bag that I got from the flee market at the Curve, such a lovely lil red thing.

At the Craving's, they serve very good Mee Siam with Honey roasted chicken and Thup Thim Krup, a must have whenever I spot a place that serve this lil red Ruby's.

I took my mum to 1-Utama the following next few days as well to watch Sex and the City 2. And thank goodness it was Wednesday, MOVIE DAY! Woot~
It is so worth it to watch that movie I say, I laugh throughout the movie and even tried not to laugh so much cause we were so loud! Even the girl beside me kept laughing but she kept her voice to a minimum but some parts, almost everyone never failed to laugh. I love Samantha in this part 2 sequel, so horny yet funny! Hahaha..
I am glad I took my mum to that movie, better than being stuck in my uncle house and rot.
With my grandma around, I gain few pounds. ;)

Back to my hole and back to work tomorrow, just another week more and I am done with my internship! Yes! I am really looking forward to it. Have not been to work for 6 days, people are starting to wonder where am I? But hey, they made my schedule like that Saturday and Sunday (OFF DAY) and Wednesday and Thursday (OFF DAY), I was sick on Monday and Tuesday so don't blame me.

Stuck

Mummy is here with my grandparents, been going out to Ikea and whatever mall that is stated there for 2 days straight. Staying in my uncle house and with my cousins for the past 4 days without my laptop! So deprive!!!!!!! My initiate plan was to stay 2 days and 1 night then head back to my subang cubicle but I ended up falling sick, headache, sorethroat and got to take mc for 2 days..:)
Wednesday and Thursday are my off days as well again. So here goes my 6 days off again..
Lol..but who cares. I just want my beauty rest being pampered by my mum and grandma.
Ever since I fell sick, my ama keep taking care of me, asking me whether do I want to eat, do I want her to rub my forehead, neck and back with the "minyak angin". Lol...
She did once on my first day of sickness, but Im too shy to make her do that again.. shes already so old and fragile.
Now I can't wait to go back to my cubicle, it's just too cramp here, and whenever I want to sleep its so noisy.. They just keep talking and talking. I am out of clean cloths, undies, bra, and yet, I have not shave since friday.. * shy* lol... And I need my laptop...:(
I just need to savour this family as it's not always I get to see them.. so Tahan... tahan....
Will blog more about my outing with my mum and cousin's once Im back in my cubicle and with my pictures..:)

Random outing

Finish work at 3pm today and Stephanie caught me by surprise today at work by showing up(she was done with her internship since 4th of June).
She did messaged me but I did not read it until after I have met her.
Hung out with her at Pavilion till night falls.
She shopped, I "window shopped" but end up trying a dress and jeans because she insisted that I try just for the fun of it.
I am done reading Marco Pierre White Autobiography novel since last Sunday. Nothing to entertain me now on my bus rides and train rides but music, sigh. 2 weeks begone!

With my ding-dong bell hair..!!! *going crazy*

Camwhored in the changing room while waiting for her to be done trying out her massive picks.
A lil' vain-ess is okay..:)
I like this dress alot from FOREVER 21, but did not buy it, I was broke...it cost Rm109, a tad too expensive and out of my budget no?



.

Wishing you were here now.

I miss on-lining with him!!!!! I think I got so dependent on it for almost a year that now I am addicted to this routine. Since his working at this restaurant, to online will be only at night. That is when my eyes are the size of a toothpick so conversations always goes downhill. Falling asleep kind.

Egghead said I love him more now just because he is thinner now and he even claimed that I only call him HOT now. Hahaha!!!
I'm with you.
Still falling for you.
Hot or not hot, your still my chagiya.

A picture of us, the day before he left about 11 months ago. I still love this picture despite egghead dislikes it due to his size here, but I could not care less cause this picture look sweet.

Mummy is in KL for a week or so with Ama and Ah Kong !! Making plans to take her to Ikea since she never been there I think! lol.. Hope this will take my mind off of things.

Sinful Indulgence

Like I said on my recent post that I wanted to blog about my Korean noodle. Lol, there nothing much to say but just to see and drool for this tangy, spicy, peppery, red indulgence and gulp down a hot mouthful of it!
I just had it again cause it's going to be my fast food for this week. :)
Usually I don't cater much on instant noodles as I know, we know that it is bad for us. I can't remember when did I had fast food either?

Poached egg on top it all makes it looks even more appealing! *note that the yolk had begun to spurge out of its white casing...ahh*

I am in pastry department now, and I am LOVING IT! I am happy whenever I am there!
I get to try new things, as in eat, of course! Hah!
Every single time I walk into the walk-in-chiller I am bound to come out with my mouth-full. The joy of just nibbling off an unwanted cheesecake, chocolate tart or chocolate fudge was just, as Maddie would say, orgasmic!!! I must say, It has been awhile since I have ate chocolate since I have start work and the chocolates at work is sooooo much more, and I am saying effin' 10 times more rich, fattening (means flavor) and comforting to the taste buds. I took a nibble of a chocolate tart once before I was even in the pastry department and boy was I hooked! NOW, I just can't stop! hahaha..
I learned how to make those sinful ice-cream that we crave on constantly *rum & raisins*.
I did 4 types of it flavour, Passion fruit, Vanilla, Chocolate and Malt. The girl who thought me was patient enough to guide me through and was also friendly. Its not that hard actually, if you have a Ice-Cream machine but she said blender would work as well when the batter is half frozen.

Thick-foamy Vanilla Ice cream , the end product! Was creamy, smooth and thick!! But could have add abit more vanilla beans into it.

Chocolate!!! Ahhh... divine..

The "nicest" part, was washing up the machine! My leg nearly got soaked cause of phone call! haha.. Nevertheless, it would be something I would not mind to do so for another week.

Love the look of it.