Lost....

 
I  cry almost everynight in my early youth when i go to bed,
whether its because of an argue, a fight, the hearing of my family shouting n yelling at home,
or just the thought of how fucked up my life is.
Things had never been good in my family even before i was born.
And now, nothing is still good nor goin to.
I've always envy the people who have a good n happy family.
I wished i was them.
Knowing that every morning when I wake up, there will be no worries or arguments.
That wish of mine, is slowly dying..

Problems in my family never goes away,
one moment its beautiful, the other end, only waiting for something bad to happen.
And it did...!
Im lost now..
I dunno where Im heading, not knowing if it's going to work out.
All I think is if he didnt do...? if he did...? why the fuck he did that?.

Have you thought of ending your life before?
I had..many times when I look out the balcony, i say to myself..
" Should I ? "

But now..I dont think of it no more..

Whenever I walk outta my house, Im always wearing a mask.
Not makeup..but a hidden disturb child.
Tears I shed away.
Feelings of heartaches I hide away.
Thought of the problems are deminished from my mind.
But when I get home,
Its all starting all-over again.

Thats why I never liked being home.
The thought of going home is saddening to me.
I like walking in to an empty house.
With just me, and everything just for me...
No noise, No arguments, No Tears.

The life Im living is HELL..
Moving here didnt make things better, it got worst.
Parents divorced, abusive brother,middle-child problem sister and me, the silent-disturbed child that doesnt speaks at home.
Im like a ghost at home, thats what mum said to me.

I know, I treat my friends way better than to my mum.
Mum realise that, she sometimes does envy it when Im treating my friends alot better than her.
I answer her when my friends are around.
I joke alot when they are around me.
I laugh more than I usually do.
Im more alive.
Im happy.
She hates the sight of that.
She ask why.
But Im just speechless to her.

What can I say.
Im more happy when my friends are around.

I wasnt like that before.
I was Mummies little helper when she needed it.
I buy groceries for her when my sister n brother was too lazy to do it.
I pay the bill when she ask me to.
I buy dinner for the family, we eat separately at our own pace.
Im the neat and clean type.
I hated noise and loud music.
I hated clubs.
I hated drinking.
I hated guys like fuck.
I get home before 7.
Im more caring to my mum.
Im more polite.
I get up and say good morning to my mum.
I was...lovable to my mum.


I know she still do love me.
I just dunno how to show love to her back.
Im ashamed to show my love for her.
Im afraid to kiss her.
Im afraid to show her that I care.
It kills her.
But i just cant.
I dunno why.
I was her only hope, I guess, its all too good to be true.

She trusted me alot.
She still do, but not as much as she used to.

Im loveless, angry, hatred, ashamed, troubled, foolish and stubborn.