Learning to grow

Knowing his past is my present now. It will never be out of my mind until I really learn to forgive and forget about it. It will not be easy, the long, winding, narrow and cross roads I still need to learn more about him and myself.
We took a long time apart, it was killing us silently and everything starts slipping away slowly but it is time we both start to compromise and be more patient. With all that is going on, internship in Penang, I am giving this relationship a 3 month trial to see how things goes.

I don't like the way I talk to you at times, I hate that part of me. I learned to speak to you more like a child cause your sensitive at times. You need constant attention and care when we are alone, you like that, I did not know that. But I love constant care and love even if people are around, I am not shy in loving you even if people might look.

Sometimes love hurts but it is the pain that makes us live again.
There always be room for love to grow.
Constantly letting love to grow.
If love stop growing, slowly, it will die.

The Limit.

Kettle is boiling, still boiling. . . . I hear it whistle at the peak of the sound.

Then, in a flash it blew up.... All over! The splash left marks and scars around me.
It will take me days, weeks or even months to heal.
It will be some time.
It will be tough.
It ain't easy.
Especially going through it alone.


My love is not to be played.
My heart is not just an icon.
My state of mind is not to be bruised.
My trustworthy has been tainted. I don't forgive easily.

Something must be done.
Something must be fair.
Somehow I am not like you.
Somehow I am smarter.a
Somehow I am loyal.

In every way that I am proud of myself, cause I handle things far more better than the person I knew you once were.

Over it? Not quite there yet.

Apart of me still feels very sorry for you that I still can't get over this and the other part just feels like you should feel sorry for me.

My first time, oh god it's my first time feeling like this. I never held such a fear, a pain and a betrayal so badly that it actually numbed my whole body and my mental state of mind. Everyday I wake up is a battle to keep things right, not thinking about it is a challenge. It goes over and over and over again in my head, recalling all the best and bad times when I thought you were nothing like them. I always had my doubts but I will always make this thoughts go away and try to think positive. The thought that had made us come so far, made us where we are today.
The answers were convincing but not convincing to the point where I can rest my mind out of it. Maybe that is not the answer I have been looking for cause there are still bumps and lumps of questions here and there. What really did happen?
I know, I am not a very forgiving person. I do not trust people easily and yet hard to forgive when the trust is broken.
I have never held my heart so high for anyone else, not even for myself. I gave all mine to the one I love. I am trying to forgive and forget about whatever that has happen, but is it that easy to forget? I remember everything that had gone wrong since I was 5 years old, how can I ever forget something that just happened so sudden like a slap in the face to me?
It is not easy, but I am trying.

Be patience with my questions,
be patience with my doubts,
be patience with my weak heart.

I have been hurt long before you knew me, It was like a stab in the chest when every night the tears of pain rolled down my cheeks. It was never a pretty sight, it was something that I have to live with. So will you be patience with me?
I hate this lonely nights whenever all this thoughts comes to me and I have no one to hold on. No one to even confide in my aching heart. I reached out to people that cared most of me, I reached out to find an answer but the answer had been answered that I will have to tough this one out.
Dig a hole and bury what is left, a past.





Be here, be there, be every where you wish to be. Take my heart with you.

Something I would love to try doing, but I have a fear of diving into another world.

My 20th

The day started without any plans or even to make any plans to celebrate my birthday. Everything happen so randomly and the happiest moment when he told me his on his way to see me. Contend, how can I not be.

I love korean food. So do they.
Happy korean birthday celebration without any cake, I don't mind, I'm too shy to stand infront of my birthday cake while a mass of humans sings happy birthday song to me. For 3 years straight, there was always someone celebrating her birthday along with me. Except for last year, I celebrated my birthday in Langkawi with close buddies but with him away.
So this birthday is the best by far, just close friends, food and love. What I actually wished for the day before whilst in my cubicle.

His first time meeting my college mates and cha cha's indon friends. He likes them. :D

I like how candid this picture is.

Thanks boo for coming down to see me just for one day.
I appreciate all the things and gifts you did and got for me. Every little thing counts for me, no matter how big or small, it's the thought that counts.
I will remember this birthday till the day I'm 6'ft under. :)

The big 2 O coming up!

My days in college has been fun, crazy, noisy, tiring, unhappy, sad, angry and of course Happy.
I am a few days away from my birthday!! The BIG 2 and O together, I am not sad and well it does not effect me either but I want to do something before my birthday. Now I am not talking about doing the " 20 things to do before turning 20", I just want to do something fun and socialize. And that longing came true today.
A few friends of mine came into our class and ask me " Oh Kristi, you drink beer right?" with a smirk on his face, my face GLOW and said "yeaaaa...:)".
I never had a big outing with college mates ever since I've been in college. Yea how lame right? I know...
Oh I heard there will be Hoegarden.. like the MEGA HUGE size pint glass.. awesome!
I know I sound like a pathetic bimbo deprived of alcohol or something, but no no and yes.. I had one too little glass of alcohols with friends back in Penang it was not enough and neither was it that good, so I need some fun and beer in my life to keep me sane.

Most of you may know I have been in a long-distance-relationship and I always get this question from friends, " How do you take it?" or "How do you both go trough it?".
Partially I am not very sure myself how did I gone through it all and now going through it again is even worst than the last.
The one whom initiate all this argument is I.
It feels like I am being too demanding and well, too controlling.
He feels like he has done his best and is getting blame every single time.
He has done his best and I do appreciate every single thing, but somehow, I need something more.
I like it when he does something when I don't need even need to tell him to, if I did, it will sound like I am being demanding or nagging! ~ That is happening now.

So to tell or not to tell?
Maybe I should not talk, zip my mouth and seal it tight. For all the wrongful accusations and demands I did. I am sorry for not being understanding of your situation.




Sometimes trying hard is TRYING TOO HARD in others eyes. Just don't do it. *rolls eyes*

When planets collides.

Somehow I am still a young, immature, wounded girl who just wants to be held tightly and whispers coming to my ears saying.. "Everything will be okay, don't worry.."
Everything seems to be going the other way round. Not how I wanted it to be, not ever how it should had been. Yes I am matured it seems in others eye, I solely play the role of a mother.

Maybe I had been to light on everything,
maybe I had been taking everything so easy just so arguments go blind under the covers,
maybe I had let things slide pass me for too long,
maybe I had give too much and got back a little,
maybe time has passed and I am a little more needy,
maybe we just change as interdependency is less between one of us,
maybe just maybe, MAYBE! I get to see a sight of you brings those other maybe's down from it all.

A person who receive little love when they were younger, bound to need more love but hides away from love. Solely to not get hurt again.
I never want to get hurt, but it takes some salt onto the wound to realize magnificent and horrible things bound to happen. When it clashes, storm waves occur and when everything is said and done, silence comes into the picture and brings harmony to life.
To deal with such pain is like taking a blunt knife pierced through your chest bluntly yet forcefully right into the heart. The pain I feel, is always there.
It is there for so long, too long that now everything just comes out through all the slightest misfortunes moves into a big unfortunate event.
Neither of us likes this part but it is said to help us to grow, no?

I want to love and feel loved.

Food Friends & Love.

It has only been a week in college??? Felt like eternity with tight schedule, hectic and packed classes that leads till late evenings. Just loving being a college-rebellious student ey?

I love practical classes.

With Cha cha..~

Loving my presentation, took me so many tries till I got the right one. :)
Cream puff with chocolate sauce, with almonds on the side and a sugar art that we randomly made, we burned the sugar though. LOL!

Huge? Yea it is!! It felt like everyone can read what you type or read. So reading private message's here in college is a nono..lol.

It has been a long long time chickies, we finally meet again.

Nothing better to do. KFC and stayover..Woot~

Luscious sweet red tomatoes! :P

My pandan coconut for lunch, sad I know. I realize I did not have a single straw at my cubicle when I wanted to drink it. Equally more sad, oh well.

My diet starts now! Been having so much meat, TOO MUCH, I feel like a Carnivore!

A cut cause by my paring knife. No I did not do it on purpose.
I have enough burns, bruises and cuts. Ughh.. and my hormones are getting f*** ed up now, pimples all over my foreheads like world war 3. Kill me, I hate zits!
Anna said my skin looked dry here..:( Look at my cut not my skin..! lol..